A history of my worst fears

There is a monster in me. A beast who bellows and snorts rage. This is my anger, my frustration, my feelings of injustice. 

These are my worst days, when my efforts fail. When motherhood drags me through the trenches and I feel helpless like fresh kill in the mouth of a lion. 

I gain control, then I lose it. Then I fight back, ranting on and on about sacrifice and disrespect. My words crash against the ears of Mr. Know it All, whose ego fills the entire space. 

We are both afraid. 

I want him safe, protected, armored against bad decisions and poor judgement. He wants long hours of freedom. Neither one of us will win. We need eachother and love eachother to deeply. When this storm is over, we will make it again on dry land. The land of compromise. 

There is a monster in me. Green eyed, sharp clawed, with a tongue of fire setting ablaze the hillside. I misspeak, say hurtful words, spilling out my pain, drowning you. 

Forgive me.

I was never taught to love.


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